This morning as I drove into work, fully aware of the first day of spring (I am wearing my new spring headband! Woot woot!) I was struck by the restrospective view of winter. As I previously mentioned, this winter presented many blessings, and what looking back feels like infinitely more soul-shattering blows. I do not wish to carry the sadness from winter into this new season that is to be bursting from the seams with nothing but life and goodness. So let’s leave it all here at the blog, shall we?

This winter, probably most notably, my last surviving Grandparent passed away. My mom’s mom left us February 5th after a difficult battle with cancer. I can’t erase the memories I have of her during the last few months of her life. I couldn’t wash away the feeling of her always-soft hand rubbing mine while she lay her hospice bed in a room filled with loving and beautiful people. Or the feeling of that same hand, hardened like plastic, as she laid in her casket, finally allowed to be at peace. These memories hurt, but they are far outnumbered by the happiest ones, the most innocent ones and the oldest ones. I miss her every day, and always will, but I take comfort in knowing that I am a much better woman because of the pieces of her that are alive and well within me.

Before her passing and after, I feel like I struggled, for the first time, with Seasonal Affective Disorder. I hated the short days with little or no sunlight and felt myself being genuinely saddened or made more moody by the weather outside. I didn’t have energy to enjoy the beauties of winter and the joy of the season as I usually do. Instead I felt rushed, pressured and pulled in directions I didn’t want to go in and felt forced to comply with less than perfect situations. It just hurt, all of the time, and I didn’t really know where to begin in addressing that, other than just waiting it out and seeing where spring came along.

I also expereinced a number of situations that forced me to seriously confront issues I may or may not have in regards to anxiety and a need for control. It’s been kind of frightening at times to see myself at the edge of a place that I really do not at all enjoy being, and five minutes later realizing how absurd I acted. You may laugh, but I feel like there’s a different part of me that can come out under stress that I don’t like to admit to being there. It’s truly unfortunate and I feel like it makes me weaker. I need to learn to battle this part of myself better and tackle it. But in addition to have an ugly streak that I can’t stand, I am impulsive and usually don’t realize it until the words are coming out of my mouth and I’m already riled up about it. My biggest fear about this weakness is that it will manifest against people that I love the most and turn them away. That’s the last thing I want to do and would be absolutely crushing if it did happen.

As I type this, I go in and out of a conscious thought to push “Publish.” I know that I should because I know it needs to be out there, but I know it’s not that well written and I know it might be uncomfortable for some.

I truly am babbling today.

Winter wasn’t all bad, most importantly, on a career level, I was accepted into Graduate School at Northern Kentucky University where I will be earning my Master of Arts degree in Communication Studies. I’m really excited to get back into school, but not totally sure if I am prepared mentally for the stress. Only one way to find out…

I am going to return with a positive version of this post in a few days. I was going to do it now, but I think I wore myself out. Let’s let the sunshine in.

Sorry for letting it all out on you, but thanks for stickin’ with it, Kids.

Hey. It’s the first day of Spring. Let’s do something about it.